Ted Nugent Wants YOU!
-- by Steven Swart
A friend of mine (we'll call him Sammy) had a bit of a scare last month. Rather than bore you with my own morbid fears and disgust you with the details of some pretty horrific medical examinations involving gloves and excavation tools, I'll just tell you about what I overheard in the Acute Care Center affiliated with Sammy's local HMO Medical Care Provider.
To make a long story short, Sammy's doctor, Dr. Hedley Gosling said that numerous CAT scans, MRIs and X-Rays revealed a hideous growth in his brain. The Doc was almost as nervous as he was when he saw the results of the first tests. It seemed there were tendrils of the ol' grey matter growing internally BEYOND the region of his skull, right off the page of the X-rays. Needless to say, Sammy instantly began to examine the value of his life and what he had accomplished thus far.
More tests. Definitely not cancer. That was a relief. But more imaging showed the tendrils of Sammy's brain matter snaking down his neck like a slithering grey python into and around the region OUTSIDE his spine.
Sammy had initially consulted Dr. Gosling because he had been experiencing behavioral abnormalities. Normally a quiet man, he found himself being loud and brash at parties. At times he fancied himself to be an expert on subjects ranging as far and wide as molecular biology and inner city gang culture. He developed opinions about EVERYTHING. Actually, develop is a generous word. He "had" them - these opinions. Like a bitch having a litter full of puppies, suddenly Sammy had an opinion about everything. He had not read, experienced or observed anything related to these opinions, or even thought about them much. He felt like his head had swelled up and given birth to them.
Sammy is a modestly successful musician with a small but incredibly loyal following. But with all these opinions bursting out of him, he could no longer control himself on stage. He began to pontificate. Many of the people in his audience were moved by his new heartfelt preaching. He even changed some lives. At one point, he had actually convinced most of the audience members in one small pretentious New England coffee shop to write their congressmen and senators DEMANDING that the state of California be expelled from the United States of America. "The West Coast, and especially California, is nothing but a sanctuary for lazy Elmer's Glue-Sniffing, Touchy-Feely, stickin' iron bars in lumber companies forest reserves, gun-hating, easy going bastards!" he had cried out. He followed this speechlet with a startlingly moving rendition of "I Shall Be Released".
So now Sammy knows there is something seriously wrong with him. His last trip to Dr. Gosling's office revealed the true extent of his brain growth: the tendrils of his brain had wandered and meandered all the way down to his colon. Surgery was recommended. Dr. Gosling told him that rocker Ted Nugent had actually been diagnosed as "having his head in his ass" - and had it removed (his head, that is) - twice. Dr. Gosling didn't know a surgeon he could recommend so he urged Sammy to give the Nuge a call, and find out who he could recommend for a good ass-related headectomy.m
In the meantime, there is now an entire political action committee called "People For the Involuntary Secession of the Southwestern States" (P.I.S.S.S.) who decided that the West Coast, USA had to go. Not because they actually had learned anything or studied the situation or read any landmark papers like H.W. Krinkle's "The San Andreas Fault: God's Gift to the United States". The only reason these P.I.S.S.E.R.s even have an opinion is because a rock star named Sammy had a devastating growth in his brain. They didn't study, weren't informed, didn't read and didn't care. But they WORSHIPPED Sammy, and were more inclined to trust the opinions of my poor sick friend with the addled brain than they were to actually find real EXPERT opinions or better yet, to become experts themselves. All because they really really liked the way he did "I Shall Be Released".